I was supposed to share this post two weeks ago, but life happens. I was on Instagram and saw a clip of Sha’carri Richardson’s interview immediately after winning the Women’s 100 Meter Finals race. I had no idea who she was, but I could tell she doesn’t let others define her. I resonated with her when she mentioned she lost her mother. It took me back to when I lost my mother and how I put on my strong face. Grief is one of the most difficult things anyone can experience. One day you’re fine, and the next day you do not know if you will make it through. Could you imagine entering motherhood without your mother’s support? Maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. This is what I would say to someone who lost a mother.
Motherhood is one of the most exciting yet challenging things a person can experience. It is in those moments you lean in on your mother for guidance. But what do you do when your mother has passed away? I get everyone’s situation is different, so many may not have the type of relationship I am referring to when discussing my mother.
My grandmother passed when my mother was 17, and at that point, she recognized a hard truth. I would one day begin to understand a pain she learned to heal from as she took on her role as a new mother. I, too, learned of this pain at 17. It makes you wonder for a moment if this is some generational curse cause I believe my grandmother’s mother passed away while she was young as well. However, I will save that topic for another blog post.
One of the most difficult experiences from losing a mother at a young age is the constant reminders. I am not just talking about certain holidays like mother’s day. I am talking about those milestones in your life that you would hope to experience with your mother, like graduating high school, graduating college, moving into your first home, and giving birth. This post will give you hope as you continue on your life journey without your mother.
- The pain will become more manageable.
If you find yourself hitting the floor, randomly bursting into tears with an ache in your stomach, know you will get to a point where it won’t hurt as much. With time you will get to a point where you will have more good days than bad days. It is crucial to understand the experience of grief can show up in many ways. After my mother passed and witnessing her last few months and being heavily involved in caring for her, I felt the need to put on my strong face. It was expected, although I was young.
It wasn’t until 6 months after her passing that I finally released all the emotions I felt. I would get these awful stomach aches and bursts of anger. I realized then that I needed to allow myself to process my pain. You only get one mother. 11 years later, I can now process those emotions and allow myself to feel them despite this false sense of positivity. I allow myself to feel and understand the importance of healthy coping skills.
- The importance of finding joy in those moments.
The good and bad memories allow me to get through those dark moments. I always reflect on life lessons learned from the bad, yet good memories outweigh those bad moments. In those moments where you feel down, reminisce by looking at photos, connecting with loved ones, or simply just journaling some of those memories you had with your mother.
- Shift your perspective so you can be your best self.
Don’t let your mother’s death be the reason you did not become your best you – let it be your motivation. People will expect you to fall apart after your mother’s passing. The reality is my mother started preparing me for this before I knew the severity of her illness. 
- Instead of holding back your tears, embrace those random outbursts.
I am basically saying to embrace the process. Regardless of the time it takes, your process is your process, and people cannot force you not to feel something you are feeling. There is so much power in honoring your feelings.
- Don’t bury your pain. Many people can relate to your pain.
It is good to put on a happy face. However, you never know who is dealing with something similar. Losing a mother is something many people have dealt with. I eventually plan to start a nonprofit providing financial assistance and mentorship to young adults who lost their mothers. My favorite quote is, “Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you“.Aldous Huxley. I am not saying you should walk around looking like poor pitiful me but instead allow some of that pain to fuel your passion. There are plenty of times when I wouldn’t mention my mother passed, but it would be someone with a similar situation in need of an inspirational message.
- Please find a way to honor her.
Instead of only placing flowers on a grave, book a flight, eat at your mother’s favorite place or do something you all talked about doing. Despite their body being gone, their spirit will live on.
- You can still heal from the things you never got to discuss.
Some people cannot grieve the loss of the mother due to unresolved issues. I hope that you will get to a place where you can heal, although you may never get the apology or the chance to discuss certain issues from your childhood.
Maybe this isn’t enough, so I am sharing the words of other motherless millennials who lost their mother before 25.
“What I would tell my younger self is to put all your trust in god. Allow God to heal you, and don’t try to heal yourself. A mother’s passing can be so hurtful but remember the great things she taught you and the mother she was to you and give back to your children and the people around you. Embrace what God allows.”- Anonymous.
“She wouldn’t want you to give up. It isn’t an excuse to feel you have to get up and win whenever you’re feeling down, achieve something to make her proud.” –Anonymous.
“Ok, I wasn’t ready or even knew the words I would say. Took me a few days. But I’m ready now. At age 26, life may seem hard without her, but remember, the greatest thing she gave you was life. Live it, instead of burying yourself inside of depression…let the darkness go. And remember beautiful things grow when you allow the light in.”-Anonymous.
“Cry as much as you want to be as independent as possible and rely on yourself.”-Anonymous.
Resources
It is great to lean in on your friends, family, faith, and community. There are circumstances in which it would be beneficial to receive therapy. The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists available resources in your area. “The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens, and their families. The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider. In seeking grief support services and/or counseling, NAGC recommends that each consumer inquire directly with the providers listed as to their training and certifications, with the better business bureau or with any applicable governing licensing boards.” Click the link below to learn more about support in your area:
United States (select your state)
Find Support (childrengrieve.org)
Virginia
