Author: shaniecebradford93

 

I was supposed to share this post two weeks ago, but life happens. I was on Instagram and saw a clip of Sha’carri Richardson’s interview immediately after winning the Women’s 100 Meter Finals race. I had no idea who she was, but I could tell she doesn’t let others define her. I resonated with her when she mentioned she lost her mother. It took me back to when I lost my mother and how I put on my strong face. Grief is one of the most difficult things anyone can experience. One day you’re fine, and the next day you do not know if you will make it through. Could you imagine entering motherhood without your mother’s support? Maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. This is what I would say to someone who lost a mother. 

Motherhood is one of the most exciting yet challenging things a person can experience. It is in those moments you lean in on your mother for guidance. But what do you do when your mother has passed away? I get everyone’s situation is different, so many may not have the type of relationship I am referring to when discussing my mother.

My grandmother passed when my mother was 17, and at that point, she recognized a hard truth. I would one day begin to understand a pain she learned to heal from as she took on her role as a new mother. I, too, learned of this pain at 17. It makes you wonder for a moment if this is some generational curse cause I believe my grandmother’s mother passed away while she was young as well. However, I will save that topic for another blog post.

One of the most difficult experiences from losing a mother at a young age is the constant reminders. I am not just talking about certain holidays like mother’s day. I am talking about those milestones in your life that you would hope to experience with your mother, like graduating high school, graduating college, moving into your first home, and giving birth. This post will give you hope as you continue on your life journey without your mother. 

1. The pain will become more manageable.

If you find yourself hitting the floor, randomly bursting into tears with an ache in your stomach, know you will get to a point where it won’t hurt as much. With time you will get to a point where you will have more good days than bad days. It is crucial to understand the experience of grief can show up in many ways. After my mother passed and witnessing her last few months and being heavily involved in caring for her, I felt the need to put on my strong face. It was expected, although I was young.

It wasn’t until 6 months after her passing that I finally released all the emotions I felt. I would get these awful stomach aches and bursts of anger. I realized then that I needed to allow myself to process my pain. You only get one mother. 11 years later, I can now process those emotions and allow myself to feel them despite this false sense of positivity. I allow myself to feel and understand the importance of healthy coping skills.

2. The importance of finding joy in those moments.

The good and bad memories allow me to get through those dark moments. I always reflect on life lessons learned from the bad, yet good memories outweigh those bad moments. In those moments where you feel down, reminisce by looking at photos, connecting with loved ones, or simply just journaling some of those memories you had with your mother. 

3. Shift your perspective so you can be your best self. 

Don’t let your mother’s death be the reason you did not become your best you – let it be your motivation. People will expect you to fall apart after your mother’s passing. The reality is my mother started preparing me for this before I knew the severity of her illness.

4. Instead of holding back your tears, embrace those random outbursts. 

I am basically saying to embrace the process. Regardless of the time it takes, your process is your process, and people cannot force you not to feel something you are feeling. There is so much power in honoring your feelings. 

5. Don’t bury your pain. Many people can relate to your pain. 

It is good to put on a happy face. However, you never know who is dealing with something similar. Losing a mother is something many people have dealt with. I eventually plan to start a nonprofit providing financial assistance and mentorship to young adults who lost their mothers. My favorite quote is, “Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you“.Aldous Huxley. I am not saying you should walk around looking like poor pitiful me but instead allow some of that pain to fuel your passion. There are plenty of times when I wouldn’t mention my mother passed, but it would be someone with a similar situation in need of an inspirational message. 

6. Please find a way to honor her.

Instead of only placing flowers on a grave, book a flight, eat at your mother’s favorite place or do something you all talked about doing. Despite their body being gone, their spirit will live on. 

7. You can still heal from the things you never got to discuss. 

Some people cannot grieve the loss of the mother due to unresolved issues. I hope that you will get to a place where you can heal, although you may never get the apology or the chance to discuss certain issues from your childhood. 

Maybe this isn’t enough, so I am sharing the words of other motherless millennials who lost their mother before 25. 

“What I would tell my younger self is to put all your trust in god. Allow God to heal you, and don’t try to heal yourself. A mother’s passing can be so hurtful but remember the great things she taught you and the mother she was to you and give back to your children and the people around you. Embrace what God allows.”- Anonymous. 

“She wouldn’t want you to give up. It isn’t an excuse to feel you have to get up and win whenever you’re feeling down, achieve something to make her proud.”  –Anonymous.

“Ok, I wasn’t ready or even knew the words I would say. Took me a few days. But I’m ready now. At age 26,  life may seem hard without her, but remember, the greatest thing she gave you was life. Live it, instead of burying yourself inside of depression…let the darkness go. And remember beautiful things grow when you allow the light in.”-Anonymous.

“Cry as much as you want to be as independent as possible and rely on yourself.”-Anonymous.

Resources

It is great to lean in on your friends, family, faith, and community. There are circumstances in which it would be beneficial to receive therapy. The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists available resources in your area. “The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens, and their families.  The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider.  In seeking grief support services and/or counseling, NAGC recommends that each consumer inquire directly with the providers listed as to their training and certifications, with the better business bureau or with any applicable governing licensing boards.” Click the link below to learn more about support in your area: 

United States (select your state)

Find Support (childrengrieve.org)

Virginia

Programs in Virginia (childrengrieve.org)

Your purpose and passions are not defined by the organizations or companies you work for. Unfortunately, I cannot find the quote associated with this statement, but I know it is similar. Nevertheless, I hope you can recognize your gifts and talents even when it does not fit the narrative society created. My truth is I have been in advocacy since birth, but I had no idea it was advocacy then. I was always different, a loner, and yet my personality always popped when needed. Yet, I was the kid who would challenge the bully. Fast forward to today, I realize I am meant to speak up for others even when it is not always easy. Before the pandemic, I was a legal advocate assisting victims of domestic violence. I thought I had to work at all of these organizations to deliver services to victims of sexual violence and domestic violence. Well, what I know now is that victim services and advocacy work come about in many forms. While in my victimology course at Virginia State University, I never imagined that I would not be working with the FBI, Police Station, Commonwealth Attorneys’ Office, or even as a clinical psychologist.

 

I can apply my purpose in any environment. I am not saying I never have days where I question myself or my purpose. However, I do not let those thoughts consume me. This is why I can operate from a place of purpose, whether I am providing childcare or assisting someone with a protective order. I think it is crucial to shift your perspective in these moments. I am not “just watching kids”  or “babysitting.” I am doing one of the most important jobs. Children need to be protected at ALL costs. Especially toddlers and infants. After my son’s childcare provider passed away, I was even more inspired to figure out how to work from home while tending to his needs. Unfortunately, many parents do not have this luxury and have to send their child to a stranger. Due to the nature of the victim services field, I get how dangerous this can be.

Even though I thought my purpose showed up differently, right now, I feel like creating an environment where children can thrive is key. I have the ability to teach my child and other children the right information. I really think as a society we don’t give teachers enough credit. As a millennial, I recognize graduating and getting a degree is not the only way. Likewise, I realize working for a company or organization is not the only way. Whatever you decide, make sure it is balanced. Make sure you feel comfortable leaving your child with the childcare provider. Make sure the company or organization you work for will encourage you to thrive instead of trying to dim your light, control how you apply your purpose or survive a toxic work environment. I said all this to say. Even if you have to start over at a different company, no organization, company, place can take away your God-Given Purpose. Even when others will try to paint you in a negative light, please know your light will shine through anyway. 

         In the words of American writer, feminist, and civil rights activist Audre Lorde, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare,”

         This is one of my favorite quotes because I believe it captures the true essence of self-care. I’m going to get straight to the point. Life gets crazy, and many of us are trying to juggle multiple areas of life. It gets overwhelming at times, and that’s why a bit of self-care is recommended. Despite this fact, for many people, self-care is deemed unimportant or simply a luxury they cannot afford. Frankly speaking, I didn’t start practicing self-care until I needed it most. But what was great about it is that it didn’t have to cost me a single thing. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence, and I have in the past advertised the need to purchase items to assist with self-care practices. But if you really think about it, you don’t necessarily need self-care products to realize the benefits of self-care.

         Self-care is a billion-dollar industry. And some businesses are just using your need to practice self-care for profit. That means the products they advocate for self-care might not necessarily have the relaxing effect you expect them to have. This is not meant to discourage you, though. In the event you can tap into luxury self-care, go ahead and do it and maybe support a local business in the process. Due to the pandemic, my circumstances, like many of you, have changed tremendously, from changes in income to limited access to services outside the home. That means, if you are looking to practice self-care in this day and age, you are going to need to get a little bit creative. Yes, I know there are so many fitness programs online. But if you have a toddler as I do, nothing comes easy. Here are a few tips I have found incredibly helpful to help you get started on your self-care journey.

Journaling

         I have found journaling as a surprisingly beneficial self-care routine. Personally, there’s just something about getting a new journal that says fresh beginnings, and in fact, I have several. So how does it help, you ask? Well, a journal lets you take a brief pause from life for you to connect and listen to what your own needs, thoughts, ideas, and feelings are. You don’t need a fancy journal or pen, and the note app on your cell phone can work just fine. So would a basic journal. Journaling doesn’t need to take long hours, either. I spend 15 minutes tops at a time journaling, and I still find it uplifting and relaxing.

A moment of solitude

         We all know I love my solitude. For me, it tends to be a moment to check in with myself. Remember, you do not need to book a trip to some exotic island or go to your favorite restaurant. Rather, it could be something as simple as sitting in the car for ten minutes or taking extra time in the shower for as long as you need. Basically, taking a moment of solitude lets you self-reflect and process your emotions so that you can better understand yourself and what you need.

Establishing a routine

         You do not need any fancy apps, planners, and/or whiteboards to establish a routine. You can simply make a mental note, but then again, writing your plans down does ensure you don’t forget them. I have a routine, and I notice a definite shift in my mood if I do not have a glass of water first thing in the morning, followed by a cup of tea, and before ten, a cup of coffee. Something as simple as carving out 15-30 minutes to exercise, read, and pause can make a difference.

Tap into your passion

         As we grow and our responsibilities take over, it is easy to forget the passions, dreams, and aspirations we once had. I believe, however, that it is important to tap into your passion even if you are not able to commit fully. It is better to take minor steps to achieve your goals rather than doing nothing. As I type this blog, my little angel is jumping on me, but even that doesn’t faze me. I occasionally wonder if I should just quit because every time I want to get something done, it takes longer. However, these are not ideas I let take over my thoughts. Normally, the feeling doesn’t last for more than 30 seconds, and the optimism kicks in once more.

         While there never seems to be enough hours in a day to get everything done, I believe with a bit of delegation, and you can actually get a lot done. As Oprah says, “You can have it all. Just not all at once.”